All The NFL Head Coaching Vacancies, Ranked

Be honest with yourself. If you were an NFL head coaching candidate, how many of the new job openings would you even want?

Don’t get me wrong, even the lowliest NFL Head Coaching job is still a position many men would die to have. Being the main man at the highest level of professional sports is intoxicating, but it’s also a tough gig. The throne turns into a hot seat, now, quicker than ever. Nobody is safe, unless you keep winning.

That being said, there are still some pretty solid chances to succeed out there. A few coaches will land the primo jobs, while the others will be stuck wading through muck.

Feel free to disagree with these rankings, but if I were a coach, I would definitely want some of these jobs more than others. Let’s start at the top with the best job available.

1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

It’s all about Jameis Winston. Famous Jameis is the real deal, and he’s the most attractive building block any team has to offer.

Clearly, the Bucs want to boost the offense. It’s the only explanation for canning defensive-minded Head Coach Lovie Smith after helping the team get four wins better in his second season in charge. The Glazer family isn’t the most intelligent ownership to operate under, but if you can score points it might keep you with the whistle longer than their previous three coaches over the last five seasons.

The talent is there. The entire roster isn’t filled out, but the Bucs have the most viable pieces to move forward with.

Offensively, you have Winston passing to massive targets on the outside (Vincent Jackson, Mike Evans, Austin Sefarian-Jenkins), and Doug Martin proved his worth as a workhorse back this season…just don’t call him the “Muscle Hampster” anymore. The Douggernaut doesn’t like it. On the defensive side of the ball, Lavonte David is one of the most underrated linebackers in the game, and Gerald McCoy is a beast on the interior of the defensive line.

Final piece of this puzzle: Even though coaches don’t seem to last in Tampa, the media hot seat is lukewarm at best. The criticism typically comes from in-house, not from outside sources.

2. Tennessee Titans

Youth is the key to upside. Marcus Mariota might not be in the upper tier of NFL quarterback’s just yet, but he has a lot of room to grow.

Whoever comes in will have to provide him with more weapons on offense. In the draft and free agency, the Titans desperately need to add another pass catcher. Delanie Walker can’t do everything from the tight end position. If you’re an offensive-minded coach, who likes mobile QB’s, this is a match made in heaven…if you ignore the severe lack of talent on the rest of the depth chart.

None of their running backs impressed in 2015, and their weak receiving core made them the 30th ranked offense in the league. Mariota is nice, but the supporting cast is pretty weak.

The best part about this job? You’re taking over a two win team. Even winning six games would be a four win improvement, which would probably be enough to ensure your job moving forward…unless your name is Lovie Smith. Sorry, Lovie.

3. Miami Dolphins

Do you believe in Ryan Tannehill? If so, this is the job for you.

The problem is, it doesn’t really look like the rest of the Dolphins believe in Tannehill. Financially, yes. They signed him to a six year contract worth $96 million that he hasn’t yet lived up to. There have been grumblings though that the rest of the roster might not see the same upside. Just check CB Brent Grime’s wife’s Twitter…it’s entertaining, but not for the franchise. There are real chemistry issues to fix there, so this job might take a bit more elbow grease than others.

On the bright side, you have Jarvis Landry as a dependable receiver, along with Jordan Cameron at tight end. When Lamar Miller is healthy, he is a viable running back to go along with the developing pass game.

The Dolphins were expected to play a lot better on defense with Ndamukong Suh beefing up the front seven, but they finished with the 25th ranked unit in the league. There is some talent on the team, but this team is a fixer-upper.

As we get lower on this list, Tannehill (4,208 yards, 24 TD/12 INT) is going to start looking better and better. Just saying.

4. New York Giants

Others might value this job higher. Those others probably like Eli Manning. I don’t. Not one bit.

I’m not saying I don’t like Eli as a person. Actually, I think he’s pretty funny and better in commercials than his dopey bigger brother. He makes awkward faces that we capture on the internet and turn into memes. Overall, Eli Manning makes me smile more than frown. That would not be the case if I were his football coach.

His numbers over the last two years (65 TD’s, only 28 INT’s) with make you forget that he led the league in interceptions from 2008-2013. The main difference in the last two years? A man named Odell Beckham Jr.

“OBJ” broke Randy Moss’ record for the most receiving yards in his first two years (2,744), scoring 25 TD’s as well. He’s one of the best receivers in the league, and he’s by far the most attractive roster piece for any head coach to evaluate at the skill positions for any of these available teams.

The final part of this equation is the irrational expectations that will surely be in place in New York.

Tom Coughlin found a way to win multiple Super Bowls with Eli Manning, which is pretty damn impressive. I highly doubt the next man up will be able to fill those shoes, and New Yorkers aren’t known for their patience. They’re still better than Philly fans though…

5. Philadelphia Eagles

Man, did Chip Kelly mess up this roster...how did he think trading away LeSean McCoy and Desean Jackson would ever help this team? Also, Sam Bradford as the franchise quarterback? Not exactly sold on this plan.

All the roster moves were made to fit Kelly’s system, now he’s gone. Who can find a way to make Sam Bradford, DeMarco Murray, Jordan Matthews and a poor offensive line into a viable offense?

Anybody? No takers? Didn’t think so.

This situation isn’t a complete disaster though. As badly as Chip screwed up the offense, the defense still has a heartbeat. Malcolm Jenkins is playing at a very high level, Mychal Kendricks is a young leader at linebacker and they have some pieces in the secondary to compete.

Taking this job would be like taking over an apartment full of weird furniture. You might have to throw some stuff out and move other pieces around to make it work. You can’t pay to replace it all.

WARNING: The last two jobs on this list are unacceptable. I advise any sane coaching candidate to just work at Costco instead of taking these awful jobs that are surely below them. Really, managing at a steak house would be a much better life choice.

6. San Francisco 49ers

How did you get here, San Francisco? It was only 2013 when you won the NFC Championship…and now you’re a complete disaster.

Harbaugh left. Players retired. The Colin Kaepernick Experience faded. Now, you have an ugly roster, angry owners, and a job that no coach really wants.

Do you put your faith in rejuvenating Kaep? If that fails, you’re left with Blaine Gabbert. I repeat, Blaine Gabbert is your fallback plan. Anquan Boldin is about to accept his AARP benefits, and Torrey Smith is pretty much worthless unless he’s chasing down deep balls…thrown by Joe Flacco.

It’s all bad. Did I mention you play in the same division as the Seahawks and the Cardinals, so you pretty much have no chance of making the playoffs the next few years?

Run away. Run away as fast as you can. For the love of God and all things holy, don’t scroll down. If you take the last job on this list, I can’t save you.

7. Cleveland Browns

This is it. Rock bottom. Do you feel dirty? You should.

The only thing living inside Cleveland football is depression and disappointment. I know this from experience. I have family that make the sick decision of following the Browns, and I actually think we should all press charges against them for trying to make their kids fans too. It’s torture, and honestly, it might be child abuse.

Nobody should be subjected to being a part of the Cleveland Browns, but some sad soul is actually going to say “YES” to the worst owners in all of sports. I can tell these men about the darkness, but I can’t save them from falling into the abyss.

Every single coach since Marty Schottenheimer (1984-1988) left the team with a losing record. Since 1999, eight different coaches have been shuttled in and out of the doors along with 25 different starting QB’s…and it’s even worse than it sounds. Nothing they do works, and now their ownership wants to play Moneyball.

Only the Browns would try to make their football team better by hiring a baseball guy. I’m sure new GM Paul DePodesta is good at crunching the numbers, but this formula won’t work for football. The numbers are skewed. It’s harder to gauge performance and pick players based completely off stats than in baseball.

I know why the Browns really hired him. Deep down, they hate their fans.

The Browns are a cheap franchise. On top of that, their decision making track record doesn’t read well. I think they’re cursed. Every decision they make blows up in their face, and now they want to try to find players on the cheap. I know there are only 32 NFL head coaching jobs, but I think I would rather just be a coordinator somewhere else.

One thing is the same for ALL these jobs: Rent your home, don’t buy it. If we learned anything this offseason, it’s that head coaches shouldn’t expect to stay longer than two or three years.